Rector’s eNews 13: 1 May 2024

/ Uncategorized

On Monday in our assembly, I spoke to the boys about what has become known as gender-based violence and the issue of consent. This is an important matter for boys to consider and we are fortunate to be able to draw on the approaches suggested by the International Boys’ School Coalition (IBSC) of which Michaelhouse is a member. This is what I said to the boys:

“As part of your education, we speak about a range of topics, usually in tutor groups and sometimes in assembly and one of the areas we consider important has its roots in gender-based violence. You will be aware of the term, even if you may not have given it much thought lately.

Gender-based violence is prevalent in South Africa and on the increase. It relates to rape and similar violent actions usually by men against women. Statistics are difficult to verify partially because there are unreported incidents of this crime, but the estimated figure for South Africa is that a rape occurs every 26-36 seconds. It is also estimated that one in every three women in South Africa has been or will be raped in their lifetimes. This could be a mother, a sister or someone known to you such as a friend. The incidence of rape in South Africa is higher than in any other country and a crime that is shockingly spiralling out of control.

It is even more distressing to know that the majority of sexual violence and rapes or attempted rapes are carried out by people who are known to the victim, rather than by strangers. Lives can be wrecked by sexual or other forms of violence and the experience for the victim is almost always traumatic and has long-term consequences.

So what do we do with this knowledge? Of course we should never, ever assume that we are completely unconnected to these statistics. And we need to do everything we can not to be part of the upward spiral of gender-based violence which causes huge emotional harm to the victim.

I became more aware of the statistics I have quoted when I was visited by a senior advocate about 5 years ago here at Michaelhouse. He was going to various boys schools telling them of his family’s experience. You could say he had a family that was very similar to the families from which you come and a supposedly perfectly decent boy from an independent school had lunch with his family one Sunday and then raped his daughter during the following week. He asked me what I was doing about bringing this sort of crime to the attention of our boys. Frankly I had to say that I was not doing very much about it and that is one of the reasons for my talking about it today.

We cannot think that we are exempt from issues of gender-based violence and, though these things are difficult to talk about because they are intensely personal, I do want you to know that there are accepted standards of conduct which are considered appropriate for boys in similar countries to South Africa throughout the world. Michaelhouse belongs to the International Boys’ School Coalition and headmasters in those countries such as the United States, Canada and Australia will be talking to their schools about acceptable and unacceptable levels of conduct by men and, therefore, by teenage boys around the area of consent – this is the consent of your partner.

I have no doubt that you will all be in some form of relationship during your time at Michaelhouse or at university and it takes maturity to consider how you think you might conduct yourself in a relationship. What the International Boys’ School Coalition teaches about the notion of consent is the following: consent by another person should, firstly, be freely given. In other words, if a person is forced into any form of sexual conduct with you, that consent has not been freely given. It constitutes gender-based violence or worse to force yourself on someone because you may be stronger. It is a crime. Secondly, consent should be reversible. In other words, what may be acceptable today may not be okay tomorrow. Your partner may change their mind from day to day. You cannot make assumptions in this regard and have to be sensitive to the possibility of that change. Thirdly, consent should be informed. In other words, a person who might be drunk is not able to give consent because they cannot do so in those circumstances and therefore their consent is not informed. Fourthly, consent should be enthusiastic. In other words, a person should not be threatened or under duress should they not want to do what you want to do. Fifthly, it should be specific. That is specific to what is wanted and what is not wanted. As an example, consent to kissing a partner does not mean anything more than that.

So the acronym FRIES is the basis for an understanding by boys (and men) throughout the world covered by the International Boys School Coalition of the difficult notion of consent. Consent is only valid when it is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific. If you follow these guidelines you should be able to feel happy that you have conducted yourself in a way that chimes well with other similar boys throughout the world and, in doing so, that you have committed yourself to acting in a way which doesn’t violate others or stray into the area of gender-based violence.

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